Birds and Bees
by LynstHolin
Summary: Abraxas Malfoy/Charlus Potter WWII Gen First years Abraxas Malfoy, Charlus Potter, and Walburga Black go on a mission to discover where babies really come from, but just get a lot of conflicting stories.


These are the smae versions of Charlus Potter and Abraxas Malfoy that appear in 'The White Cliffs of Dover,' 'The Seekers,' and 'Be My Love Monkey.' They are based on the head-canon of Yhu at deviantART.

Some of you may have a hard time believing that young people really could have been so ignorant of the facts of life, but that's how it was. Adults hid these things from children, and the media of the time was subject to very strict decency laws and codes.

...

"I'm betrothed to my second cousin, Orion. I don't like him much. He's a such a _baby_. But Mother says he'll grow up to be a fine husband, and that we'll give her lots of Pure-Blood grandchildren. Who are you betrothed to, 'Braxas?" Walburga Black had shoved her way between Abraxas and Charlus again.

The two boys had been sitting together on a bench by the lake enjoying a companionable silence when the big, bossy girl had interrupted them. Abraxas liked her to a degree but, Merlin, she talked _all the time_. "I'm not betrothed to anyone," he replied.

Walburga frowned. "But you have to be. You're a Pure-Blood. That's how it's done."

"Charlus isn't betrothed to anyone."

Walburga made a dismissive gesture and snorted. "_Potters_." Abraxas awaited further explication on the subject, but none came. "Well, perhaps you'll meet someone here at Hogwarts that would make a good wife."

"Out of everyone at Hogwarts, I like Charlus the best," Abraxas said.

Walburga did not like this reminder that she was a distant number two in Abraxas' affections. Scowling fiercely, she snapped, "Boys can't marry boys!"

"Really?" Abraxas had led a rather isolated childhood. He didn't know much about such things. "But why not?"

"Because married people have babies, and you need a boy and a girl for that."

"Really?" Abraxas mulled this over. "How do they get babies?"

"Mum and Dad say it's something about the birds and the bees, but they won't tell me the details," Charlus said.

Walburga made a rude sound. "That's silly, Pottie! The man sticks his finger in the woman's belly-button," she stated confidently.

Abraxas drew his eyebrows together. "How does that make a baby?"

"I... I forget."

It was more likely that she had never known. "And Charlus and I both have fingers and belly-buttons, so we could make a baby."

Walburga was starting to look unsure; it was a foreign emotional state for her. "M-maybe I'll ask my cousin Helga. Her mum just had a baby."

...

Helga Crabbe was was couple of years older, and a lumpen, stupid girl. "The stork brought the baby," she replied to Walburga's question. "Dropped it right down the chimney, my dad said. I was asleep, so I missed it."

Charlus' forehead didn't often crease in deep thought, but it was doing so now. "That's c_ompletely_ different from what you told us, 'Burga!"

"Where does the stork get the babies?" Abraxas asked. "And why couldn't the stork give a baby to two boys?" Helga shrugged.

"Theodosius Nott knows lots of things. Let's ask him." Walburga headed off down the corridor briskly. "Come on, you two!"

...

Theo Nott was another first year, but he _did _know a lot. He knew how to cast hexes without getting caught, how to get cats to carry secret messages, and how to make a tasteless potion that caused embarassing flatulence. "A stork?" he sneered. "Ridiculous. When a mother wants a baby, she goes into a cabbage patch. She will find a baby under a cabbage leaf. That's what Mother told me."

"If that was true, people would only be able to get babies at certain times of the year, but birthdays happen all year round," Charlus pointed out.

"Are you calling my Mother a liar?" Theo unslouched and drew himself up to his full height, his dark eyes narrowing.

Everyone took a step back, worried that he would turn their teeth into dominoes, or their underwear into fireants. "That explanation just seems...incomplete," Abraxas said. "And it doesn't answer the question of why only a boy and a girl can get a baby."

Theo shrugged. "That's all I've got."

...

"You're going to ask a _Goyle_? You might as well ask a dinner plate," Abraxas groused.

Walburga looked around to make sure no one would overhear her. "People say that Gretchen is... _fast_."

Charlus looked mystified. "Fast at what?"

"She lets boys kiss her under the bleachers of the Quidditch pitch."

"People want to kiss _her_?" Abraxas couldn't imagine. Gretchen belonged in a zoo.

"_Shh_! Here she comes."

Gretchen was an evolutionary throwback. Rumor had it, the Goyles had been cursed, and that was why all their children looked like apes, even though some of them had started out looking quite normal. It was also rumored that the boy she had been betrothed to was pretending to be insane just to get out of marrying her. When Walburga posed her question, Gretchen's usually blank face turned sly. "The woman swallows a seed and it grows in her tummy. When the baby is done, it comes out of her belly-button."

Walburga, Charlus and Abraxas simultaneously slapped their hands over their navels. "That sounds dreadful!" Walburga exclaimed.

"Are you sure about that?" Charlus asked dubiously.

"Have you seen women that are skinny everywhere except for their tummies? They've got babies in them," Gretchen whispered.

The three looked at each other. Yes, they _had _all seen such women. Abraxas had thought that they had some funny disease. "But a boy could swallow a seed, too," Walburga ventured, "and some men have big tummies."

Abraxas grimaced. "I don't _want _to have a baby come out my belly-button. That's _horrid_."

"Me, neither," said Charlus.

"Me, neither," said Walburga, just before she started wailing. "I have to have babies," she sobbed, "because Mother says it's my duty to give her grandchildren! "

Merlin, _tears_. Not something that Abraxas was good at coping with. He edged away from Walburga, letting Charlus be the one to pat her on the back and make 'there, there' noises. He leaned against the wall and mulled over everything he had heard today. There were two things he wanted most in life. Number one was to do his duty to his family and carry on the Malfoy name. The second was to always be with Charlus. He dearly hoped there was a way for him to do both.

FIVE YEARS LATER

Walburga was sprawled across Abraxas' bed reading a letter. "Gretchen is up the spout again."

Charlus, who sat on Abraxas' trunk, shook his head. Gretchen Goyle had been forced to drop out of school a couple of years ago when she came up pregnant, and Malcolm Flint had been wed to her against his will. Now they were on their third child. "Remember when she told us that women swallowed seeds to get pregnant?" Charlus asked.

Walburga snorted. "Perhaps if she had known the truth, she wouldn't be spending the best part of her youth changing nappies. _My _daughters will be told. I don't want them to get knocked up by the first fast-talking wizard that gets one over on them." She scanned the rest of the letter, then tossed it on the floor. "All right, let's get to work."

Both Charlus and Abraxas groaned. "Must we?"

"We must. Now, Nott has a sister whose betrothed was just killed in the war."

Abraxas, perched on the edge of his bed, made a grinding noise in his throat. "She's ugly."

"What's it matter? You don't like girls, anyway," Walburga said.

"I want a pretty wife that will give me pretty children."

"Unlike you, huh? Huh?" Walburga laughed raucously and slapped Abraxas on the back hard enough to knock his spectacles askew. "Mmm. Let me think. That makes it harder. The pretty ones tend to get snatched up quick. Well, Laurel Wood just threw over her fiance. She's a looker, and she's going to have trouble attracting another suitor after what she did, but she's a bit of a harpy."

"I would prefer someone with an agreeable temperament."

Walburga sighed. "We might have to wait until the war is over so we can get you a Beauxbatons girl." Abraxas slid his hand down the bed casually until it reached his trunk at the foot. The tips of his fingers just barely touched Charlus. A casual onlooker wouldn't have noticed it, but Walburga noted it with an expression of mingled amusement and envy. "Or maybe we could figure out how to turn Charlus into a girl so you can marry him like you wanted to back in first-year."

Charlus guffawed. "I'd be a hideous girl!"

"You're not that attractive as a boy," Walburga riposted.

Abraxas sat quietly, enjoying the banter between his two closest friends. The fingertips that touched Charlus felt warm and tingly, and he was happy and sad at the same time. As the last Malfoy, he would do his duty to his family. He would marry a beautiful, healthy woman, and he would produce an heir to carry on the name. But, he was sure, he would always be married to Charlus where it really mattered. He didn't need a ring or a church ceremony or a tuxedo for that.


End file.
